Kingdom Hearts Parody Script Episodes 14-16

Episode 14; Dark Side Of The Farce

Sora; Oh my god! I can't believe Acelegin went this long without posting anything! He's even worse than Lanipator!
Donald; Well, look at the bright side: at least we won't be seeing any more of that douche bag, Sa'i'x.
Voice; Or will we?...
Sora; Shut up Voice! You get three lines per episode at maximum, and you really shouldn't be wasting them like this.
Acelegin; Let's celebrate my 14th episode without getting sued by playing a drinking game! Take a drink when ever I make a Star Wars reference.
Sora; Okay, I think I see the next world in the distance. Let's land.
Donald; This is an interesting world, isn't it? There's a bunch of floating rocks everywhere.
Sora; OMG! Floating rocks! We must be in the Stone Gardens on the Edge!
Goofy; What's the Edge?
Sora; You know? The Edge? From the Edge Chronicles? Written by Paul Stuart and illustrated by Chris Riddel?
Donald; Sora, I'm pretty sure the Edge isn't a world in the Kingdom Hearts series.
Sora; It damn well should be.
meanwhile...Riku; Hey, you! How'd you get here?
Beast; I just did...
Riku; How? I don't see any vehicle or anything? Did you hitchhike or something?
Beast; My love for Belle is so strong that it brought me here.
Riku; So let me get this straight: You teleported with the power of love?
Beast; No, it wasn't really teleportation. It's... kinda hard to explain.
Sora; Hey look! A Banderbear!
Donald; Sora, that's not a Banderbear.
Riku; Nice to see you again Sora. By the way, the keyblade's mine.
Keyblade appears in Riku's hand.Sora; Whoa, how'd you do that?
Riku; Technically, I was the keyblade master, but for some reason the keyblade chose you instead. It's complicated, but you can go ahead and play with this wooden sword. Bye!
Sora; No! I'm only half as awesome without the keyblade!
Donald; Hey Goofy, weren't we told to persistently follow around the keybearer?
Goofy; Yeah, and since Riku's the real keyblade guy, I guess that means we should follow him.
Donald; Bye, Sora! Try not to get killed by heartless why we're gone!
Beast; I have to save Belle!
Sora; Where do you think you're going? You're injured.
Beast; I know, but Belle needs me.
Sora; Your perseverance is inspiring! I'll use this wooden sword to assist you, even though it was completely useless in episode two!
ten minutes laterSora; hmmm, this is a big castle.
Beast; Hey, look, it's Belle!
Sora; what are you talking about? I don't see anything.
Beast; Holy crap! She just turned into a heartless! This enrages me!
Sora; Wait Banderbear! Don't leave! (door slams behind Beast). Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have shared my shrooms with him!
Riku; Hello again, Sora.
Sora; Riku! Why? You were the chosen one!
Riku; Sora, come to the dark side of the farce!
Sora; Never!
Riku; Then die!
Goofy; I'm not gonna let you hurt Sora because he's my buddy!
Donald; Yeah! even if it goes against the king's orders, we can't let you do this!
Keyblade returns to SoraSora; You'll never win Riku! Even if you're the true keyblade wielder, you've let your heart become filled with darkness. As for me, my friends are my power! As long as have Donald and Goofy by my side, I can never lose!
Riku; Is your mushy friendship speech over yet?
Sora; Yeah, I think so.
Riku; Then let's fight!
One epic boss fight later...Riku; Damn! I lost! (leaves)
Beast; Hey guys, I'm back. Did I miss anything?
Sora; Nope. C'mon, let's go save people.
meanwhile...Riku; I need to find some way to beat him!
Random Cloaked Entity (You know, the one from episode two); You must unleash the secret power in your heart.
Riku; Okay, who are you, and how do I do that?
Random Cloaked Entity; Let me touch your funny places.
Riku; Will that allow me to unlock my true power?
Random Cloaked Entity; No, but it will please me.
and, in a completely different part of the castle...Sora; You must be Maleficent!
Maleficent; Yes, I am. I was kind of hoping you wouldn't get this far. Um, is there any way I can convince you not to fight me?
Sora; Give me a dragon and I'll leave you alone.
Maleficent; Well, I have this summon stone that can summon Mushu. Will that work?
Sora; Yeah, sure.
Maleficent; Okay, but if you want it, you'll have to fight me.
Sora; But I thought you were trying to bribe me so that I wouldn't fight you?
Maleficent; Shut up and put up your dukes!
4 seconds laterSora; Okay, I won. Now let's follow that b*tch through the portal.
Goofy; IT'S A TRAP!!
Sora; Oh, shut up Goofy.
meanwhileRikunort; You seem to have lost. Allow me to use this weird keyblade to open your heart to darkness!
Maleficent; Will it hurt?
Rikunort; Not as much as it hurt Acelegin when he was hit by that car at exactly 5:02 pm on December 19th, 2004.
Sora; Riku! What's going on?
Riku; Something Awesome! (stabs Maleficent in chest and then disappears) 
Maleficent; Yes! I feel the power of darkness! Mwahaha! (turns into a dragon)
Sora; Crap! Not again!
They kill the dragonSora; Okay, she's dead. Let's go find Riku.
laterSora; Riku, what's happened to you!?
Rikunort; I'm not really Riku! I'm actually Ansem, Seeker of Darkness. Or, as the fans often refer to me: Rikunort!
Sora; That's a pretty lame name.
Rikunort; Not nearly as lame as Acelegin when his parents make him cut his hair short. Anyway, you somehow have Kairi's heart inside you, and I'm gonna use the keyblade to release it so that I can complete the door to ultimate power or something!
Sora; You'll have to fight me for it!
Rikunort; Aren't you getting a bit tired of all the boss fights?
Sora; Nope!
Rikunort; Fine, I'll fight you. But first, would you like to buy some death sticks?
Sora; You do not want to sell me your death sticks.
Rikunort; Yes I do
Sora; You want to go home and rethink your life.
Rikunort; No I don't.
Sora; You will join the Fear Mythos.
Rikunort; Like hell! Acelegin's part of the Fear Mythos, and His life is going nowhere!
Sora; Well, Acelegin's life wasn't really going anywhere to begin with.
Rikunort; Irrelevant! Now, let's fight!
Sora; Okay!
Sora winsRikunort; Nooooo! (disappears)
Donald; Okay, now what?
Sora; I'm gonna stab Riku's keyblade into chest so that I can free Kairi's heart!
Donald; But won't that kill you?
Sora; I'm the main character! I'm f@&king immortal!

Sora stabs himself, then all the hearts are released and Kairi wakes up and Sora disappears.Kairi; Oh no! He's dead!
Donald; Guess he was wrong. C'mon, let's go.
ten minutes laterGoofy; There's a weird heartless chasing use.
Kairi; Wait, I think it's Sora!
a bunch of heartless surround themDonald; Uh oh, we're surrounded by sand people! I mean heartless!
Kairi; Don't worry heartless Sora! I'll protect you!
and then the light of Kairi's heart somehow saves Sora and returns him to his original formSora; Wow, that was weird.
Kairi; So what should we do now?
Sora; We need to cut open the Banderbear's stomach and climb inside it for warmth!
Beast; What?
Sora; I'm kidding. Let's get to the Sticky Ship and get the f@&k out of here!

Episode 15; Annoying Filler Episode

Xemnas; My name is Xemnas.
Roxas; I don't care.
Xemnas; What if I told you I have exclusive knowledge of certain secrets?
Roxas; I don't care.
Xemnas; As soon as I possess what I desire, the keyblade will mean nothing to me!
Roxas; (zooms in dramatically on face) I don't care.
meanwhile, thousands of miles awayYugi; God dammit! He's doing it again!
Joey; What? What's happening?
Yugi; That Acelegin guy keeps ripping off from Littlekuribo!
Joey; That sick son of a bitch!
Tristan; Let's break his neck!
Yugi; Tristan, if that didn't work the first time, why the hell would it work a second time?
Tristan; I just like breaking people's necks.
Acelegin; And now for the actual episode.
Sora; Hey guys, we're back from our adventures! And we brought the hot redhead I would like to plow!
Kairi; What?
Sora; Nothing!
Leon; Hey guys. How was your trip to Hollow Bastion?
Sora; Come again?
Leon; You know, the world from the previous episode.
Sora; You mean Sanctaphrax?
Leon; What?
Donald; Sora's convinced that we were in the world of the Edge Chronicles.
Leon; Never heard of it.
Sora; Well, now that we've got Kairi back to safety, we'd better get back there and find Riku.
Leon; What happened to him?
Sora; Well, apparently he was possessed by that Ansem guy.
Leon; Holy crap! Ansem's evil? I totally wasn't expecting that plot twist.
Cid; Are you kids crazy?
Sora; Of course we are. Why do you ask?
Cid; You can't go back to that world right now because it's surrounded by heartless! They'll eat your gummi ship alive!
Sora; Why do you say that?
Cid; Dude, you're still using the default gummi ship.
Sora; It's not my fault the gummi ship design process in this game is impossible to figure out. So, how do you suggest we get there?
Cid; Well, if we install another navigation gummi you might be able to go around the heartless.
Sora; But don't we need to seal keyholes to get navigation gummis?
Cid; Actually, when I came to this world nine years ago, I just so happened to stash a navigation gummi away for safe keeping in case I needed it again.
Sora; Great! So where is it?
Cid; It's in the sewer.
Sora; But I don't wanna go to the sewer.
Leon; What if I told you there was candy in the sewer?
Sora; Okay, even if I did believe believe that, the sweetness of the candy and the discusting stench of the sewer will clash with each other and make me sick.
Donald; Sora, do you wanna see Sanctaphrax again or not?
Sora; Yes! I wanna join the Knight's Academy so that I can search for Stormphrax in the Twilight Woods!
Donald; If that's the case, then we need to go get the gummi.
Sora; Yes!
Goofy; But I thought that place wasn't really Sanctaphrax?
Donald; Hey, if it makes him get is ass in gear, he can believe whatever he wants.
ten minutes laterSora; Found it!
Kairi; Are you going back to find Riku now?
Sora; Yeahsurewhatever.
Kairi; Can I come?
Sora; No, why?
Kairi; But I wanna help!
Sora; BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you were serious?
Voice; Yes, she was.
Kairi; Do you remember that good luck charm I was making in episode two?
Sora; Nope.
Kairi; Well, I finished it and now I'm gonna lend it to you as a symbol of our friendship.
Sora; Please tell me that I don't have to draw a smiley face on my hand.
Kairi; Not yet, but when Riku gets back we'll draw one.
Sora; But I don't want a smiley face.
Kairi; Do as I command, slave!
Sora; Yes ma'am.
meanwhile, thousands of miles awayAcelegin; Gah! My neck! Why does this keep happening!

Episode 16; Rolling In Munny

Donald; Oh crap, it's the cops. Pull over Sora, I don't wanna get arrested.
Goofy; Maybe if you weren't speeding, we wouldn't be having this problem.
Sora; It's not my fault the speed limit signs are in Japanese.

Cloud; Okay, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to- Whoa! Sora, hey, how's it going?
Sora; Hey cloud, when did you become a cop?
Cloud; I needed some more dough to buy phoenix downs. They're like, 1000 gil each now-a-days.
Sora; What the Hell is Gil?
Cloud; It's a unit of currency used in Final Fantasy games. Okay, on account of our friendship, I'll let you guys off with a warning.
Sore; Sweet! I'll see you later, I have to go beat up heartless and steal all their munny.
Cloud; What the hell is munny?
Acelegin;Heeeellllllllllllllllllllooooooooooo, readers! Sorry for the gap between posts, but I haven't had much internet access lately. Here's the new episode!
Sora; We've arrived back in Sanctaphrax!
Jiminy; Can you stop saying that!? This is Hollow Bastion.
Sora; Get back in my hood!
Beast; Hey, you guys wanna help me out? Belle's still inside that castle.
Sora; Sure thing Banderbear, we'll help out.
laterBelle; Hey Beast.
Beast; Are you okay?
Sora; Where the hell is that Ansem bastard?
Belle; You'll have to talk about that with the other princesses. I'm going to need some alone time with Beast.
Sora; Gross. Okay, I'll see you guys later.
after a few minutesDonald; I think we're almost to that place we fought Maleficent.
Sora; Wait!
Goofy; What is it?
Sora; My harem senses are tingling. (enters chamber) Oh my god, it's a chickfest!
Jasmine; What?
Aurora; Huh?
Cinderella; Excuse me?
Snow White; Come again?
Alice; Can you repeat that?
Sora; Nnnnnnnooooooottttttthhhhhhhiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggggg!!!!!!!
Acelegin; I present to you, the ultimate What-Nothing moment.
Sora; So where's Ansem, I wanna kill him for possessing my friend.
Jasmine; He disappeared into the darkness. We've stayed here to restrain the flow of dark energy, but the only way to stop it is to seal the keyhole.
Sora; I'm on it!
laterDonald; There it is. Hurry up and seal this b*tch up.
Sora; Oh My God!
Donald; What is it?
Sora; My magical ocean mushrooms! The one's king Triton gave me! I completely forgot I had them!
Goofy; No, Don't!
Sora; *Gulp*
Donald; Too late.
Goofy; Oh, Fa-hyuck.
Goofy's fanbase; Yay! He said it!
Donald; Wow, I didn't even know that joke was still going.
Sora; Ah! It's a Behemoth. Come on Toe Jam and Earl, we have to kill this thing!
Donald; I don't see anything.
Goofy; Did he just refer to us as obscure video game characters?
Donald; I think he's tripping worse than he was in Monstro. We only have one choice.
Goofy; What is it?
Donald; We have to beat him sober.
Goofy; Fa-hyuck yeah! I've always wanted to do that!
and then Donald and Goofy proceed to beat up SoraSora; Okay, you can stop! I'm sober now!
Donald; What color is time!?
Sora; It's a purple-ish orange!
Donald; He knows the answer, he's still high! Keep beating him!
20 minutes laterSora; Okay, now that my ass has been kicked by the people I thought were my friends, I'm going to seal the keyhole.
Leon; Hey! What's up!?
Sora; How long have you been there and when did you turn into fluffeetalks?
Yuffie; Cid brought us here.
Aerith; This is actually our home world.
Sora; Okay, that kinda makes sense. So what do we do now?
Leon; Well, you need to track down Ansem and kill him, but I suggest you spend the next couple of episodes completing side-quests and kicking ass in the coliseum games.
Sora; Sounds like a plan to me.
meanwhileNomura; Acelegin, since you refuse to stop posting those ridiculous parody scripts, I am hereby suing you for a hundred billion yen.
Acelegin; What the hell is yen?