Living With Red Daniel Part 6; The Woods

Acelegin; Okay, Red. I need you to run an errand for me.

Red Daniel; Okay. What do you need?

Acelegin; I need you to go to the Dollar General for me.

Red Daniel; Okay.

Acelegin; And while you're there, I need you to pick up some toilet paper and a hair dryer.

Red Daniel; Got it. Toilet paper and hair dryer.

Acelegin; Don't forget.

Red Daniel; I won't, I won't! But why can't you go yourself?

Acelegin straps his sword across his back.

Acelegin; Sal wants to spar with me, so I'm gonna be a bit busy today.

Red Daniel; Cool. Ask him about my schedule for me, alright?

Acelegin; Fine, whatever.

Later, outside Sal's.

Acelegin; Alright, you ready?

Sal draws his sword.

Sal; Sure am. You?

Acelegin draws his sword as well.

Acelegin; Sure thing. But why do you wanna spar so badly?

Sal; Need to hone my skills somehow.

Acelegin; Alright. Let's get started.

Acelegin and Sal get into fighting stances, but before they can begin, Acelegin suddenly vanishes.

Sal; Wait, what the...

Sal sands motionless for a few seconds, perplexed.

Sal; God damn it! Now who am I supposed to spar with!?

Meanwhile, Acelegin reappears in a dark, heavily wooded area.

Acelegin; What?

Acelegin glances around, unsure of where he is.

Acelegin; God damn it! Hate when this happens...

Meanwhile, back in town, Red Daniel is on his way to the store, repeating the items his was asked to purchase in order to keep them in his memory.

Red Daniel; Toilet paper and hair dryer. Toilet paper and hair dryer. Toilet paper and hair dryer.

As he walks, a couple of cute girls walk past him in the opposite direction. He becomes momentarily distracted as he watches them pass.

Red Daniel; Toilet dryer and hair paper...

Red Daniel pauses for a moment.

Red Daniel; What store was I going to again?

Back in the woods, Acelegin is wandering around looking for a way out. He has his sword drawn in order to cut through any vines or bushes that might get in his way.

Acelegin; How the fuck did I wind up here? Ugh. There's gotta be a way out somewhere.

After several minutes of walking, Acelegin encounters a beautiful woman, dressed in a black silk gown, with flowing blonde hair even longer than she is tall. Her hair seems to float somewhat, not touching the ground at all.

Acelegin; Um.. hi...

The girl chuckles and beckons Acelegin to follow her. She then weightlessly glides into the distance.

Acelegin; Damn it. Why can't I talk to girls...

Acelegin pulls himself together and begins chasing after her.

Acelegin; Wait up! Do you know a way out of here?

Meanwhile, outside of a Home Depot.

Red Daniel; Here we are! Home Depot! I'm sure they'll have... whatever it is I was looking for...

Red Daniel enters that store and begins his blind search. After of few minutes, he accidentally bumps shoulders with a man with shaggy, mousy brown hair, dressed in a leather coat over a navy blue hoody. Red Daniel turns to the man, annoyed.

Red Daniel; Hey! Watch where you're going, bro!

The man stops and looks at Red Daniel with his stunningly bright green eyes. He addresses Red Daniel in a British accent.

Man; Sorry, mate. But from where I'm standing, this encounter seems like your fault.

Red Daniel grits his teeth.

Man; Now, if you'll excuse me, I've shopping to attend to.

The man turns away and begins walking off. Red Daniel racks his brain for a few seconds before calling after him.

Red Daniel; I know you!

The man stops in his tracks.

Man; Do you, now?

Red Daniel; Ben Malkator, right?

The man chuckles, and turns to Red Daniel.

Malkator; So you have met me before. Might I ask where?

Red Daniel; Back in my original universe I got thrown into a crazy death tournament. You were my semi-final opponent.

Malkator; Oh really?

Red Daniel grins.

Red Daniel; I mopped the floor with you.

Malkator grins as well. His pupils expand, eclipsing his green irises.

Malkator; Well then. That iteration of me must've been pretty damn inexperienced to lose to a bloke like you.

Red Daniel; I doubt this iteration of you could do much better.

Malkator; Well I say. That's not a challenge, is it?

Red Daniel; It just might be.

Malkaor's expression becomes serious.

Malkator; I promise you. If you go through with this, it won't end well for you.

Red Daniel takes a fighting stance.

Red Daniel; I'll take those odds.

Malkator also takes a fighting stance.

Malkator; Don't say I didn't warn you.

Red Daniel and Malkator charge a each other. Red Daniel throws a right hook, that Malkator easily blocks before getting in several close jabs to Red Daniel's torso. Red Daniel manages to push Malkator away and then aims a thrust kick at Malkator's midsection. Malkator vanishes before the kick connects, and as Red Daniel's eyes widen in surprise, Malkator reappears behind Red Daniel and hits him with a swift side kick to his kidney. Red Daniel stumbles forward before straightening up and turning back to Malkator, grinning.

Red Daniel; Thank you, daddy. Got any more of that in you?

Malkator cringes a little.

Malkator; I got plenty. How 'bout you?

Red Daniel; Oh-ho-ho. I'm just gettin' started.

Malkator tightens his fighting stance.

Malkator; Well then, Daniel Xavier Ferris, shall we continue?

Red Daniel chuckles, returning to his own stance.

Red Daniel; Please. Call me Red.

Meanwhile, back in the woods, the woman comes to a stop in a wide clearing. Acelegin catches up shortly after.

Acelegin; So, where is this place exactly? Are you gonna answer any of my questions?

The woman sits down, smiling, nd gestures for Acelegin to join her.

Acelegin; Um, I think I'll just... stay over here for now...

The woman parts her lips and speaks a single word in a hushed voice.

Woman; Come...

Acelegin; Look, it's empting, but we just met. I don' even know your name. And...

Acelegin rests his sword on his shoulder and glares at the woman.

Acelegin; This is clearly some kind of trick.

The woman hangs her head, and floats limply into the air. The space behind her starts rippling, as a creature seems to materialize there.

Acelegin; What in the hell?

A massive mosquito-like creature towers over Acelegin. The woman dangles from a tentacle attached to the back of her head, linking her to the creature's forehead.

Acelegin; She's a lure?

The creature stabs its proboscis at Acelegin, who manages to deflect it with his sword. Acelegin runs to the side, trying to gain some distance. The creature swings its lure at Acelegin, and the woman's hands morph into giant mantis claws as she lets out a shriek and attacks Acelegin with them. Acelegin parries blocks her with his sword.

Acelegin; Oh come on! That's not fair!

Meanwhile, at the Home Depot, Red Daniel and Malkator continue their fight. Malkator lands a strong hit on Red Daniel's ribcage, breaking a few of his ribs. Red Daniel steps back, chuckling.

Red Daniel; Heh. You're pretty good.

Malkator; That makes one of us.

Red Daniel's blood repositions his broken ribs and fuses them back together.

Malkator; So you've got healing powers.

Red Daniel; You noticed? That's pretty observant.

Malkator; You have no idea...

The two begin fighting again. Malkator dodges some of Red Daniel's attacks and catches his arm in a vice grip. He shifts his weight and hurls Red Daniel into a nearby shelf. Some nails embed themselves in Red Daniel's arm. Red Daniel picks himself back up and turns to face Malkator, smiling.

Red Daniel; Bad idea making me bleed, buddy.

Malkator; Is it now?

Red Daniel yanks he nails from his arm. His blood rapidly expands and crystalizes into several large, jagged shards.

Red Daniel; Take this, jackass!

Red Daniel launches the shards a Malkator. Malkator casually dodges them all, and grabs one as it flies past and charges at Red Daniel, smashing it over his head. A sword of crystalized blood forms in Red Daniel's hand, which he swings at Malkator. Malkator continues dodging the blade and lands a few punches on Red Daniel's midsection. Red Daniel swing his sword again, but Malkator vanishes and reappears a few feet away. Malkator rolls up his right sleeve as Red Daniel forms more crystal shards.

Malkator; More of these, eh?

The shards surround Malkator from all angles.

Red Daniel; Dodge this!

Red Daniel sends them all flying at Malkator, who vanishes again. Malkator reappears behind Red Daniel. A red blade made of chitin grows from Malkator's forearm, and he slashes Red Daniel across the back with it. Red Daniel's blood hardens in time to stop most of the damage.

Red Daniel; Son of a bitch!

Red Daniel turns sharply, and clashes blades with Malkator. He swings his crystal sword repeatedly, as Malkator continues blocking with his arm blade. Red Daniel's assault slows down a bit as fatigue sets in. Malkator notices this, and draws his arm back o counter attack. He slashes at Red Daniel, shattering his crystal sword. Red Daniel's eyes widen in surprise before Malkator kicks him hard in the chest, sending him crashing to the ground, several feet away.

Malkator; Had enough yet?

Between pants, Red Daniel lets out a soft laugh.

Red Daniel; I could go all day.

Red Daniel rises to his feet, wiping some blood away from his mouth.

Red Daniel; But first, I got a question for you, pal.

Malkator; And what would that be?

Red Daniel closes his eyes, falling silent. He opens his eyes again. His eyes are now glowing with a deep, crimson light.

Red Daniel; Why the fuck are you still holding back?

Malkator snickers at that comment, as he rolls up his other sleeve.

Malkator; I could ask the same thing.

A second blade sprouts from Malkator's other arm, and a set of large wings grow from his back. Two smaller blades, almost like horns, grow from his forehead, and his black pupils grow even larger, enveloping his eyes entirely. Red Daniel's body is engulfed in red light, and his hair and clothes begin waving as if in wind. The wo charge at each other once more.

Back in the clearing, Acelegin continues to fight for his life against the mosquito and its lure.

Acelegin; What the fuck even is this thing!?

Acelegin manages to block more of the lure's blows, and lands a cut on one its collarbones. He darts behind it, and prepares to stab it from behind. Before he can, its hair entangles his arm and twists hard, causing him o drop his sword.

Acelegin; Ah! What the hell?

More of its hair entangles the rest of his limbs, and lifts him helplessly into the air.

Acelegin; Shit!

The mosquito stands upright, prepared to impale Acelegin on its proboscis. Another figure suddenly falls from the sky, slashing through the lure's hair with a katana. Acelegin falls to the ground, as the lure les out a blood curdling scream. The mosquito emits a low sound almost like a cry of rage.

The new figure lands on the ground next to Acelegin. He lowers the hood of his longcoat, revealing himself to be another Daniel. He has long hair, and his skin seems paler than normal.

The mosquito lets out another noise, stabbing its proboscis at the new Daniel, who calmly steps aside, causing the proboscis to stab into a tree, becoming stuck there.

Mystery Daniel; Nice stinger.

The new Daniel raises his katana, which begins glowing white.

Mystery Daniel; Here's mine.

The blade of the katana rapidly extends, piercing one of the creature's multifaceted eyes. It's lets out a pained screech and pulls its proboscis from the tree. It spreads its wings and flees, leaving Acelegin and the Daniel alone. Acelegin brushes the severed hairs, that seem to be bleeding, away from him and stands up.

Acelegin; Long time no see, Dark. Your complexion's looking better.

Dark Daniel ignores Acelegin's comment. His katana returns to it's normal length, and he slides it back into its sheath.

Acelegin; So I guess you can control the Devil Killer mutations, now?

Dark Daniel; For the most part. It wasn't easy.

Acelegin; I like the new coat.

Dark Daniel; I needed a new one. But that's besides the point. What the hell are you doing here?

Acelegin; Dunno. Teleported here somehow. You?

Dark Daniel remains quiet for a few seconds before speaking.

Dark Daniel; I came here to train.

Acelegin; Okay. So where are we, anyway?

Dark Daniel; The Dreadwoods. Not somewhere normal people should be coming to. That Stealth Mosquito you just saw is one of the friendlier things one can fall victim to around here.

Acelegin; Well, in that case, it would sure be great if I knew the way out.

Dark Daniel sighs.

Dark Daniel; Fine. If I et you back home, will you agree to stay the hell away from this place?

Acelegin; Uh, sure. But could you bring me to Sal's, instead?

Dark Daniel; Whatever.

Acelegin retrieves his sword as Dark Daniel grabs him by the shoulder.

Dark Daniel; Brace yourself. This'll hurt a bit.

The two of them disappear, and then reappear outside of Sal's. Acelegin collapses in pain.

Acelegin; Holy shit! It feels like my bones are on fire!

Dark Daniel shrugs.

Dark Daniel; Take's some getting used to.

Acelegin; Yeah, no shit!

Acelegin rises to his feet, brushing himself off.

Acelegin; I'm glad Red's not here to make a "first time" joke.

Sal; Ace! Where the hell did you go?

Dark Daniel; Idiot got himself lost in the Dreadwoods. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd rather not stick around here any longer then I have to. The ore distance there is between me and that Red creep, the better.

Dark Daniel vanishes.

Acelegin; Sorry about all that. It too late to pick up where we left off?

Sal; Another time. You look beat.

Acelegin; Yeah. Today was... intense. I should head home.

Sal; Alright. See you later.

Back at the Home Depot, the powered up Red Daniel and Malkator resume their fight. Malkator slashes downward with one of his arm blades, but Red Daniel blocks it with one of his arms. The blade doesn't harm him at all. Malkator attempts to stab Red Daniel with his other blade, but Red Daniel catches it with his free hand and tries to kick Malkator, who teleports away and reappears behind Red Daniel, attempting another slash. Red Daniel blocks it again and releases a pulse of red light from his body, knocking Malkator backward. He then raises a hand and fires a beam of red light at Malkator, who teleports upwards, away from the blast.

Malkator; So you were hiding this much power. I'm impressed.

Malkator spreads his wings wider and readies his blades.

Malkator; Not impressed enough to back down, though!

Malkator charges at Red Daniel, arm pulled back nd ready to strike. Red Daniel calmly raises a hand up to Malkator's face as he gets close, and Malkator freezes for a split second, surprised by this.

Red Daniel; Drown.

Red light flows into Malkator's eyes, and he clasps his head in his hands as a memory surfaces. He sees himself, as a young boy, on his knees, weeping. There are scratch marks on his face, and dirt on his clothing. In front of him is a girl, not much older than himself. There are dark bruises around her throat, and blood on her finger nails. She lays lifeless in the grass in front of him. Another boy enters the scene, looking at what had happened. He sees he girl. He sees the bruises on her throat and the blood on her nails. He sees the scratches on young Malkator's face. His eyes light up with fury, and he charges a young Malkator.

Malkator; NO!!!

Malkator snaps out of the illusion, and kicks Red Daniel hard in the chest, sending him flying away.

Malkator; I won't be broken by guilt! Not again.

Red Daniel rises to his feet, only weakened slightly, and grins.

Red Daniel; Still got fight in you after that? Good. I was worried you might have a conscious.

Malkator growls through his teeth and whispers to himself.

Malkator; Damn him! That aura of his is messing with my vision. I can barely predict his actions any more.

Malkator's arm blades are engulfed in silver light.

Red Daniel; Oh?

Malkator; I'll just have to up my game a bit more!

Malkator glides closer to Red Daniel, and he two continue trading blows. Red Daniel releases another pulse of light, which Malkator manages to teleport away from. Red Daniel charges a blast of light in one hand. Malkator swings one of his arm blades through the air, sending of wave of silver energy at Red Daniel, who fires his own attack at the same time. The two attacks pass by each other and connect with their targets. Both Red Daniel and Malkator are knocked to the ground by the blasts. The silver light around Malkator's arm blades fade, and Red Daniel's aura begins flickering. The two of them slowly get back to their feet, panting heavily.

Red Daniel; Heh. Looks like you're getting a bit worn out heir, buddy.

Malkator; Speak for yourself, mate. You can barely hold that aura of yours together right now.

Red Daniel; Don't kid yourself. I got enough juice left to finish you off.

Malkator; Heh. Well, I still got aa trick left too.

Red Daniel; Oh really? Let's see, then.

Malkator unzips his hoody, exposing a large, vertical mouth on his torso, extending from his collar bones down to his navel, filled with jagged, crimson teeth.

Red Daniel; Whoa! I got a thing for vore, but that's fucking weird, bro.

Malkator; Well, wow do you feel about bondage?

Red Daniel; Well, actually, I'm a pretty big fan of- HRRK!!!

Red Daniel is instantly silenced, as a long, black, prehensile tongue zooms out of the mouth on Malkator's chest, and wraps itself around Red Daniel's throat. It tightens with immense strength and hoists Red Daniel into to the air. Red Daniel's aura vanishes.

Malkator; What's the matter?

Eight more tongues shoot out, grabbing Red Daniel by the wrists, ankles, knees and elbows.

 Malkator; Thought you were a fan.

The tongues pull hard on Red Daniel's limbs, stretching them as a rack would. Red Daniel gasps in pain as his joints pop, and his blood begins hardening around the area's, desperately trying to hold his body together.

Malkator; I think it's time to end this.

Malkator begins slamming Red Daniel against the nearby shelves and floors repeatedly, before tossing him into the air like a ragdoll. He then teleports above Red Daniel and grabs him by the throat. Silver light bursts out from behind Malkator, propelling them both downward, where Malkator slams Red Daniel with all his force into the floor, creating a huge crater. Malkator weakly rises to his fee, staring down at Red Daniel's barely conscious figure.

Malkator; You know, I foresaw this. I even warned you. But you were just too stubborn to listen. Maybe next time, you listen.

Malkator turns and begins walking away.

Malkator; Hurry and flip on that healing factor of yours and be on your way. We're done here.

Later on, at Acelegin's apartment.

Acelegin; Ah. Finally. Back at home, with my junk food, my booze, and my videos.

Pounce; Meow!

Acelegin; Uh, yeah, and you too, I guess...

Red Daniel enters.

Red Daniel; Yo! Ace! I got the things you asked for!

Acelegin; Oh! You actually did?

Red Daniel; Yep! Sandpaper and a cement dryer!

Acelegin stares blankly at Red Daniel for a couple seconds.

Acelegin; Why do I ask things of you?

Red Daniel shrugs.

Red Daniel; You look like shit. Was sparring that intense?

Acelegin's eyes dart to the side awkwardly.

Acelegin; There was a... um... bug...

Red Daniel; A bug?

Acelegin; It was pretty big...

Red Daniel; You squash it?

Acelegin; Uh, yeah! Of course...

Acelegin chuckles nervously.

Acelegin; It was just a bug! A big, stupid bug...

Acelegin examines Red Daniel's batter body and torn clothing.

Acelegin; What about you? You get a fight?

Red Daniel's eyes dart to the side as well.

Red Daniel; Oh, just some British punk...

Acelegin; Who one?

Red Daniel; Um... I did! Duh! Who do you think I am? You should see the other guy...

Acelegin; Okay, cool. I'm gonna go to the store and get the toilet paper and hair dryer that you completely fuck up buying.

Red Daniel; Hey, the things I got can serve the same function if you're brave enough!

Acelegin; Yeah, no. Go take a shower. You look like you were in a train wreck.

Red Daniel; Ugh, fine, mom.

Living With Red Daniel Part 5; The Game

Red Daniel; Okay, here's my pitch! You and I re-enact The Passion Of The Christ.

Acelegin; Neither of us have seen that movie.

Red Daniel; Well, everyone know the J man's story. It can't be that hard to pull off.

Acelegin; This sounds like it would turn out horribly offensive.

Red Daniel; Eh. Probably. What do you care, you're agnostic.

Acelegin; It's a bad idea, dude. Maybe rethink it a little.

Red Daniel; Fine, fine. By the way, I'm gonna have some of the other Daniel's over for a poker game.

Acelegin; Which Daniel's specifically?

Red Daniel; Well, Enhanced Daniel will be here.

Acelegin; You mean Breaker?

Red Daniel; Yeah, yeah, whatever we're calling him now. Then Sentinal's coming.

Acelegin; Didn't he eat you once?

Red Daniel; Eh. It's in the past. And the last one coming along is Green Daniel.

Acelegin; Wait, there's a Green Daniel?

Red Daniel shrugs.

Acelegin; Whatever. I'm going to the bar with Sans. Enjoy your night off.

Red Daniel; Sure thing, dude.

Acelegin; And don't forget the accords.

Red Daniel; Trust me. We'll play nice.

Later that night

Red Daniel; Alright! Beer's cold, snacks are ready, followed Ace's bean dip recipe. We're good to go!

The doorbell rings.

Red Daniel; Oh good! Someone's here!

Red Daniel answers the door. A man almost identical to him stands on the other side. He short, dark brown hair, styles into spikes. His eyes are the same shade of brown, and the right corner of his mouth is badly scarred. He's dressed in black Kevlar clothes, with a metal staff across his back.

Red Daniel; Enhanced Breaker Dude! How you been?

Breaker Hey, Red. Anyone else shown up yet?

Red Daniel Naw, still waiting.

Breaker; Ah. I see.

Behind Red Daniel, a violet rift opens up and another Daniel steps through. He has short hair and purple eyes, and purple markings run down his face. He's dressed in a black shirt and jeans, with a purple longcoat. He grins a Red Daniel and Breaker. Breaker's eyes narrow.

Breaker; Sentinal.

Sentinal; Breaker! Red! It's been so long!

Red Daniel; Ugh, your color scheme sucks.

Sentinal; Speak for yourself, Captain Crimson.

Sentinal locks eyes with Breaker.

Sentinal; I see you came armed.

Breaker; Just in case.

Sentinal; What? You don't trust me to obey the accords?

Red Daniel; Well, you did arrange both of our deaths so that you could absorb us and gain our powers, so...

Breaker; Honestly, I trust Red more than I trust you. And that's saying a lot...

Sentinal shrugs.

Sentinal: Have it your way...

Another Daniel approaches he door. He has long green hair, and green eyes, and wears a green vest over his clothing. He awkwardly waves at the others.

Green Daniel; Um, hey guys. I, um, don't think we've met...

Red Daniel; I believe your identity is obvious. Hello, Green.

Green Daniel chuckles nervously.

Green Daniel; Golly. I guess it is pretty obvious, huh?

Breaker; Who says "Golly", anymore?

Red Daniel; Doesn't matter. Let's get started, shall we?

Meanwhile, at Sal's bar, Acelegin and Ghost Sans meet up with each other and enter.

Acelegin; Yo! Sal! Can I get a couple shots over here?

Ghost Sans; Yeah, the usual for me.

Sal; Sure thing. Have a seat and I'll be right with you.

Acelegin and Ghost Sans have a seat at the bar while Sal prepares two shot glasses. He poor a shot of whiskey for Acelegin and a shot of Heinz ketchup for Ghost Sans. He also poors Acelegin a glass of Diet Coke to serve as a chaser.

Acelegin; Thanks, Man.

Sal; No problem.

Acelegin and Ghost Sans lift their shot glasses.

Ghost Sans; Wait, how am I holding this? I'm intangible, right?

Acelegin; Dude, don't question it.

Ghost Sans; Okay. Cheers!

Acelegin; Cheers!

Acelegin and Sans both take their shots, and Acelegin immediately reaches for the soda to wash the taste out of his mouth.

Ghost Sans; Why do you take shots if you don't like the taste?

Acelegin; Gets a good buzz going pretty quickly. Can I get a beer and a couple steak sandwiches?

Sal; Coming right up.

Ghost Sans; So what's Red up to?

Acelegin; Doing poker with some other Daniel's.

Ghost Sans; You sure it's a good idea to have a bunch f Daniel's hanging out? Won't they ge at each other's throats?

Acelegin; Not as long as the DNA's in place.

Ghost Sans; What does DNA have to do with anything?

Acelegin; Not that kind of DNA. The Daniel Neutrality Accords. I made every Daniel sign it. Well, except the new guy. I'll need to have a talk with him. But as long as it's in place, every Daniel who signed will be forbidden from harming other Daniel's.

Ghost Sans; I feel like this would be a lot simpler if you stuck with one Daniel instead of creating a whole multiverse full of them.

Acelegin; Simplicity is boring. I like a little complication in my life. Besides, without the multiverse, Red Daniel wouldn't even exist. As much as he bugs me, he's still one of my favorite creations.

Ghost Sans; Is that so?

Acelegin; Do not tell him I said that!

Back at Acelegin's apartment

Red Daniel; So, I've got some snacks ready. I made some of Ace's bean dip, but I used a bit more jalapeno than he does.

Green Daniel; Gosh, I can' really handle spicy food. I think I'll just stick to the sour cream...

Breaker; How are we, in any way, the same person?

Sentinal; Let's just stat the game, shall we?

They all sit down at the table. Red Daniel distributes poker chips while Breaker shuffles the deck.

Green Daniel; So, um... read any good books, lately?

Sentinal; I don't read a whole lot. I think the last thing I read was a Kim Harrison novel...

Breaker; I read some old Presidential biographies recently. I found Lincoln's story pretty intriguing.

Red Daniel; You're into that kind of stuff?

Breaker; The president in my universe was a despot working for a Fear. It comforts me to know that some of our leaders were good people.

Green Daniel; What about you, Red?

Red Daniel; Well, I was reading a book by this Severin guy, but I ran into a pretty upsetting chapter, so I'm taking a bit of a break from it.

Breaker; Upsetting? For you? You're the most depraved person I know. You practically embody vice.

Green Daniel's eyes narrow briefly.

Red Daniel; Well, I have my triggers. Everyone does. It was just a moment in the book that shocked me more than I like. I'll get back to I eventually.

The game continues. Breaker and Sentinal's pile of chips gradually diminish, while Red Daniel's grows quite a bit, with Green Daniel close behind.

Green Daniel; Um, I have a quick question for Sentinal...

Sentinal; Alright. What is it?

Green Daniel; Why is your title spelled with an A? Shouldn't it be "Sentinel"?

Sentinal; I'm no mere Sentinel. I am the one true emissary of the Path of Chaos. The "A" in my tite is meant to denote the true significance of my ranking.

Red Daniel leans in and whispers in Green Daniel's ear.

Red Daniel; It's a typo that Ae decided to roll with.

Back at Sal's bar, Acelegin has become relatively drunk, and has finished off his sandwich.

Acelegin; Okay, Sal. One more beer, then I think I'll go home.

Sal; Sure. Give me just a minute.

Acelegin; A'ight.

Acelegin sits in silence for a minute, lost in thought.

Ghost Sans; You okay, man?

Acelegin; Yeah. Just.. stuff on my mind...

Ghost Sans; Think you've had enough?

Acelegin; I'm Irish and German. I've got a tolerance.

Sal returns with another drink for Acelegin.

Acelegin; Hey, Sal. Bit of a weird question, but have you ever read anything by Severin Albert?

Sal; Never heard of him.

Acelegin; What about you, Sans?

Ghost Sans; Can't say I have. Why?

Acelegin; Well... Red's been reading this book by him. And a few days ago, he just slammed the book shut and put it u on he shelf. He didn't say anything about it, but he seemed really shaken by something that was written in there.

Sal; Have you read it yourself?

Acelegin; No. I might sometime. But I'm kind of curios about the guy who wrote it. I haven't been able to find anything about him.

Sal shrugs.

Sal; Whatever's in that book, I'm sure it's nothing to serious.

Acelegin; Yeah. You're probably right.

Back at Acelegin's apartment, the game has nearly concluded. Breaker and Sentinal have both run out of chips, and are now spectating on the game between Red Daniel and Green Daniel, who have an almost equal amount of chips, with Green Daniel being only slightly below Red Daniel. Red Daniel pushes his pile of chips forward on the table.

Red Daniel; All in.

Green Daniel chuckles nervously.

Green Daniel; Golly, I guess I don't have a choice.

Green Daniel pushes his pile of chips forward ad well.

Green Daniel; All in.

Breaker distributes their new hands. Red Daniel takes a look at his cards, discards two of them, and draws two more from the deck. Green Daniel discards three cards and draws three more. They both take a moment to examine their hands.

Green Daniel; Two pair.

Green Daniel lays his cards on the table, revealing the two of spades and two of diamonds, the six of spades and six of clubs, as well as he king of clubs. Red Daniel examines them for a moment before laying his own cards down.

Red Daniel; Higher two pair.

Red Daniel's hand contains  Queen of diamonds, the four of hearts and four of spades, and the Jack of spades and Jack of diamonds.

Red Daniel; Jacks beat eight. I believe victory is mine.

Green Daniel; Gosh. You really beat me good there.

Red Daniel; And now you are all in my debt!

Breaker; Yeah, yeah, I'll get your money soon.

Sentinal; Pfft. Fine.

Green Daniel reaches a hand forward.

Green Daniel; I was a good game. I enjoy it.

Red Daniel looks down at Green Daniel's hand.

Red Daniel; Yeah, I'm not shaking that.

Green Daniel pulls his hand back.

Green Daniel; Fair enough.

Sentinal; I should get back to the path. I'll see you guys later.

Sentinal opens a rift and vanishes through it.

Red Daniel; I guess I'll see you two out, then.

Breaker; Sure thing. I need to get some housework done.

Red Daniel walks them both to the door. As hey leave, Acelegin arrives, and steps up to Breaker.

Acelegin; Hey, man. How you been.

Breaker; Not bad. I gotta go, but I'll see you around, right?

Acelegin; Sure thing.

Breaker leaves, and Green Daniel steps forward to introduce himself, raising a hand to shake with Acelegin.

Green Daniel; Golly! I sure is great to finally meet you, Ace!

Acelegin narrows his eyes a Green Daniel and remains silent. Green Daniel nervously lowers his hand.

Green Daniel; Right, so... I should be off now, but I'll talk to you later about the accords?

Acelegin remains silent.

Green Daniel; kay then... I guess I'll... go now...

Green Daniel leaves.

Red Daniel; God, that guy's a wuss.

Acelegin; I don't trust him.

Red Daniel; What?

Acelegin; I dunno. Just a feeling I got. There's something off about him.

Red Daniel; Pfft. What's off is that he's a pussy compared to the rest of us. Hell, I don't even think he'll need to sign the Accords. He's to pathetic to fuck with any of us.

Acelegin; Whatever. I'm going to bed.

Living With Red Daniel Part 4; The Burglar

Outside Sal's bar

Red Daniel; You good?

Acelegin; Hell yeah. We got this.

Red Daniel; You sound confident.

Acelegin; Yeah, well, we've got three other guys signed on, so I think we've got good odds.

Red Daniel; So when do I get to meet these gentlemen?

Acelegin; Well, Dank Memes should be showing up pretty soon...

Red Daniel; Wait, the same Dank Memes from your let's plays?

Acelegin; Yep.

Red Daniel; So wait, is it the one from your Heartache 101 playthrough, or the one from your Dream Daddy playthrough.

Red Daniel suddenly lightens up ecstatically

Red Daniel; Oh God! Please tell me it's the one from your Doki Doki Literature Club playthrough!

Acelegin; Red, they're all the same character...

Red Daniel; But... that doesn't make any sense... the timelines don't add up...

Acelegin; Red, if I say something is canon, it's canon. Don't question it.

A man approaches Acelegin and Red Daniel. He has shoulder length brown hair, glasses, and is dressed in a button-up cat themed shirt and a dark jacket.

Acelegin; Oh, there you are. Dank, this is Red Daniel. Red, this is Dank Memes.

Dank Memes; Hey! I've heard a lot about you.

Red Daniel; Likewise. So, you up for this stakeout?

Dank Memes; Yeah. So who else is showing up?

Acelegin; Oh, don't worry, they'll be here soon. My only concern is whether I'll be able to cook enough spaghetti for everyone afterwards.

Red Daniel; Oh God, don't bring up- !!!

Ghost Papyrus; Did somebody say SPAGHETTI!!!

Red Daniel; Oh God Damn it...

Dank Memes; Um, is that who I think it is?

Acelegin; Yes. Papyrus from Undertale. As a ghost.

Dank Memes; I have so many questions...

Acelegin; Well, save them for later. What we should be focused on right now is the fact that with him on our side, this burglar wont's stand...

Acelegin winks and gives a thumbs up.

Acelegin; ...a ghost of a chance!

Red Daniel; No, don't use puns!

Ghost Sans; Did somebody say "puns"?

Red Daniel; GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!

Dank Memes; So would somebody mind explaining what the fuck is going on here?

Acelegin; Red completed a Genocide run a while back and now these two are haunting him.

Red Daniel; I just got rid of these guys last month! Why did you have to go and bring them back!

Acelegin; Dude, relax. A least this way, we've got an extra couple sets of eyes.

Ghost Papyrus; Extra eyes for what exactly?

Acelegin; Oh, someone's been stealing shit at Red's work, so we're staking he place out in case anyone suspicious comes by.

Ghost Sans points towards Sal's bar

Ghost Sans; Like that guy?

Everyone looks where Ghost Sans is pointing to see a man exiting the bar with a burlap sack in his hands. He is hunched over, glancing around rapidly. His eyes fall upon Red Daniel and he panics and takes off.

Red Daniel; Hey! Get back here, you fucker!

Red Daniel takes off after the burglar, while everyone else just stands around.

Dank Memes; Um... should we go...help him?

Acelegin; Nah, Red's got this.

Dank Memes; Oh. So... were we really needed here?

Acelegin; In hindsight, I guess not.

Ghost Papyrus; Well, it was still nice being here.

Ghost Papyrus turns his attention to Dank Memes.

Ghost Papyrus; So what's you're name, human!?

Dank Memes; I'm Dank Memes. I'm a dating sim protagonist.

Ghost Papyrus; Neat!

Acelegin; Alright, you guys chill out here. I know Red can handle the burglar himself, but I should still be there to make sure he doesn't go too far.

Several blocks away, the burglar finds himself cornered in an alleyway. He turns to see Red Daniel approaching him.

Burglar; Don't come any closer!

Red Daniel's eyes begin glowing scarlet as he continues to slowly move toward the burglar. The burglar draws a gun and aims it at Red Daniel.

Burglar; I mean it! I'll shoot!

Red Daniel scowls and continues walking.

Burglar; S-stop!

Red Daniel stops a few feet away, glaring angrily at the man.

Red Daniel; Go on. Try it.

The burglar quivers, clearly intimidated. He raises the gun shakily and pulls the trigger. The bullet hits Red Daniel in the chest, but Red Daniel's blood hardens, stopping it.

Burglar; W-what?

Red Daniel wipes some of the blood off of his shirt and examines it.

Red Daniel; You know, I really don't like being blamed for shit. So all that stuff you've been stealing? I'm gonna need you to hand it over.

The burglar fires his gun again, this time hitting Red Daniel in the forehead. Red Daniel's head snaps back for a moment, but he recovers almost immediately and glares back at the burglar.

Red Daniel; Wanna go for a third one?

The Burglar steps back, trembling.

Red Daniel; No? Then I'll take a shot.

The drops of blood on Red Daniel's hand suddenly swell up and crystalize into a large, jagged spear, which flies at the burglar, grazing his arm and causing him to drop his gun. The burglar drops to his knees, crying out in pain.

Red Daniel; Making me bleed was a poor decision. As was stealing from my coworkers.

The Burglar looks up at Red Daniel, glaring. He reaches into his bag and draws out a chunk of frozen meat. Red Daniel's eyes widen and stop glowing.

Red Daniel; Is that...?

The burglar rises to his feet.

Burglar; I have a pound of frozen venison!

The Burglar reels back, preparing to throw it.

Burglar; And I'm not afraid to-

Acelegin suddenly appears behind the Burglar, grabbing his arm.

Acelegin; Okay, no.

With a sudden jerk, Acelegin breaks the burglar's arm. The burglar cries out in agony.

Acelegin; You can steal jewelry, food, or whatever else. I don't give a shit. But you do not. Steal. My fucking catchphrases!

Acelegin snatches the bag from the burglar and knocks him over.

Acelegin; Catch.

Acelegin tosses the bag to Red Daniel. Red Daniel looks inside of it.

Red Daniel; Looks like everything's in here.

Acelegin; That's stupidly convenient.

The burglar gets to his feet and flees. Red Daniel glares at him as he runs past.

Acelegin; You just gonna let him go?

Red Daniel; I've made my point to him. He won't fuck with me again.

Acelegin; So who was that?

Red Daniel; James Trevor. I've carded him before. I'll let Sal know to ban him.

Acelegin; So why do you think he stole all this crap?

Red Daniel; I think he's jealous of Sal's success and wanted to fuck with him.

Acelegin; Right. Let's get home. I'm tired.

Red Daniel; Sure. I can give all this stuff back in the morning.

Later, in a different alleyway, James Trevor sits against a wall, nursing his broken arm.

James; Damn it! That son of a...

James forcibly sets his arm, wincing in pain.

James; BITCH!

A man enters the alleyway.

James; Who the fuck are you!?

The man smiles calmly. He appears to be in his late 20s, with short, dark hair and blue eyes.

Stranger; Gute nacht, Herr Trevor.

James draws his gun, aiming at the stranger.

James; How the fuck do you know my name!?

The stranger calmly raises his hands.

Stranger; Calm yourself, mein friend. I mean you no harm. The opposite, actually.

James; The fuck are you talking about?

Stranger; You've walked down a dark path and suffered. I can help you though. I can show you a brighter path.

James lowers his gun a bit.

James; What do you mean?

Stranger; Come with me, mein friend. I will get you the help you need, and give you a new purpose.

The stranger offers James his hand, smiling.

Stranger; Charity...

Hey guys! Thanks for reading!

So, what should Dank Memes do next? Should he...

A) Go shopping

B) Hang out with Ghost Sans and Ghost Papyrus

or

C) Learn to walk tightrope

Leave your answer in the comments! 

Living With Red Daniel Part 3.5; Intermission

Red Daniel; Yo! Ace! How's the recruitment doing? Got anyone to help us out yet?

Acelegin; Hm? Oh, right, the thing with your work.

Red Daniel; You feeling okay?

Acelegin; (dismissively) Yeah. I'm good.

Red Daniel; You sure? You seem kind of out of it?

Acelegin sighs

Acelegin; Saki's dead.

Red Daniel steps back, shocked

Red Daniel; What!? Are you sure?

Acelegin; The rigor mortis kind of gave it away.

Red Daniel; What happened to her?

Acelegin; I'm not sure exactly. Stress, probably. New home and all. I don't think she's been eating or drinking properly.

Red Daniel; I'm sorry, man.

Acelegin; Don't be. I'll be alright.

Red Daniel; Do you want me o postpone the stakeout? I'm sure Sal will understand.

Acelegin; No, don't worry about it. And I do have a character willing to help out, and I know how o get a couple more on our side.

Red Daniel; Well, that's good.

Acelegin; Next week, right?

Red Daniel; Right.

Acelegin; Cool. I'm gonna go on a beer run. You just chill here for a bit.

Acelegin walks over to the front door and opens it

Red Daniel; Hey...

Acelegin; What's up?

Red Daniel; I know grief. If you wanna talk about it...

Acelegin smiles back at Red Daniel

Acelegin; I told you. I'll be fine.

Red Daniel; Alright. Be safe, man.

Acelegin; I will.

Red Daniel; And get enough for me too!

Acelegin flips Red Daniel off on his way out the door

Acelegin; You work in a bar! Stop mooching off me for alcohol.

Acelegin closes the door behind him. Red Daniel smiles.

Red Daniel; Pff. Dick.

Living With Red Daniel 3; A Mystery?

Red Daniel; So, here's my pitch! You and I reenact Secret Of Kells, with me as Brendan and you as Brother Aidan! And Pounce could be Pangur-Ban!

Acelegin; Okay, we both know if you were cast as Brendan, you'd try to seduce Aisling.

Red Daniel; Well, she's a fairy whose implied to be hundreds of years old, so she's technically legal. Probably...

Acelegin; So who would the hedgehog play?

Red Daniel; Wait, what hedgehog?

Acelegin; Oh, right, I have a hedgehog now. I call her Saki.

Red Daniel; D'aaaaw! Can I see her?

Acelegin; Sure, just keep an eye on the cat. I don't need my pets eating each other...

Acelegin retrieves Saki and shows her to Red Daniel

Red Daniel; Aw! Can I hold her?

Acelegin; Are you gonna intentionally stab yourself on her quills?

Red Daniel; What? No! Of course not...

Acelegin stares blankly at Red Daniel

Red Daniel; Maybe...

Acelegin; I'm putting her back in her cage now.

Red Daniel; Okay, fine. I need to get to work anyway...

Acelegin; What time are you getting off?

Red Daniel; Oh, I get off around 2 a.m. most nights.

Acelegin; Oh, okay.

Red Daniel winks and gives a thumbs up

Red Daniel; And I'm not talking about my job!

Acelegin facepalms

Acelegin; God damn it, Red...

Red Daniel; You walked right into that one, dude. I'll be back sometime after midnight. Don't wait up!

Later, at Sal's bar

Red Daniel; Yo Sal! What do you need me doing tonight?

Sal; Go take inventory. I'll come up with something else for you to do once you're finished with that.

Red Daniel; Got it, dude!

Sal; Don't call me that.

Red Daniel goes to take inventory, while a female coworker approaches Sal.

Sal; Hello, Alyssa. Is something wrong?

Alyssa; Another of my necklaces went missing earlier. You haven't seen it, have you?

Sal sighs

Sal; Again with this? This is the third time for you. And your not even the only one losing stuff. Katie and Gerard have both complained about their property disappearing while they're busy.

Alyssa; Well, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but..

Sal; But?

Alyssa; (whispering) I think the new guy's at fault.

Sal; Red Daniel is a lot of things, but I don't think he's the guilty party here.

Alyssa; Then who else could it be!?

Sal; I don't know, but we're not getting anywhere by sitting around pointing fingers.

Red Daniel returns to the room

Red Daniel; Alright, I think I got everything!

Sal; Let me see.

Red Daniel hands Sal the checklist.

Sal; Hm... We're missing a few sandwich buns. We should also have more cases of beer than this. And we're missing an entire pound of frozen venison...

Alyssa glares at Red Daniel

Alyssa; Gee, who could the culprit here be?

Red Daniel; Hey! What's with the accusing tone!

Sal sighs

Sal; Alyssa has it in her head that you may be somehow involved in some recent disappearances around the workplace.

Red Daniel; What!? Are you kidding! I barely got this job! You think I'd risk losing it over some petty larceny?

Alyssa continues glaring at him

Red Daniel; Okay, okay. Tell you what. How about I prove my innocence by catching the real culprit?

Sal; That won't be necessary. Whoever's responsible will slip up eventually, and I'll take care of them myself.

Red Daniel; But I could get Ace's help! And Scooby Doo! He owes me a favor!

Sal; Scooby Doo is a fictional character...

Red Daniel; So are we.

Sal; Point taken.

Red Daniel; Please! I know we can pull it off if you just give us a chance!

Sal; Fine. But if you and the creator can't solve this by the end of the month, I want you to stand down and leave this all to me.

Red Daniel; Sure thing, boss!

Sal; And don't cause any trouble...

Red Daniel; No promises!

Sal; Whatever. In the meantime, the beds in rooms 3 and 8 need to be made. Get on that, will you?

Red Daniel; Yes sir!

Red Daniel heads upstairs

Alyssa; I don't see how you can trust him.

Sal; I know more about Red Daniel than you. We share a creator. As much of an asshole as he is, he's more trustworthy than you give him credit for.

Later, at Acelegin's apartment

Acelegin; So, someone's been stealing shit at your work?

Red Daniel; Yep.

Acelegin raises an eyebrow

Acelegin; And it wasn't you?

Red Daniel; Of course not! I don't steal things just for the hell of it!

Acelegin. Yes. Yes you do.

Red Daniel; Okay, fine! But if it was me, it would be way  more obvious!

Acelegin; That is true. You're not very subtle when it comes to burglary...

Red Daniel; So will you help me?

Acelegin; Okay, fine. We can stake the place out and see if we can find anything. As long as it doesn't interfere with my Winter-Een-Mas plans...

Red Daniel; And we can get Scooby Doo's help!

Acelegin; Not without the licensing rights, we can't. But I can get one or two of my other characters to lend a hand.

Red Daniel; Sound good! Let's shows this mystery who's boss!

Living With Red Daniel 2; The Christmas Special Or Something

Afternoon, on Christmas Eve

Acelegin; Okay Red, I'm going to my parent's place for the night. Hold down the fort for me, alright?

Red Daniel; Say hi to your nieces for me.

Acelegin; My nieces don't need to know that you exist...

Red Daniel; Fair enough.

Acelegin leaves. Red Daniel sits in silence for a few minutes.

Red Daniel; I'm bored...

Pounce; Meow!

Red Daniel; Oh, uh, hi there, cat.

Pounce; Meow!

Red Daniel; What? You hungry or something?

Pounce; Meow!

Red Daniel; And Ace gets mad at me for freeloading...

The doorbell rings

Red Daniel; Huh. Wonder who that is...

Red Daniel opens the door, but no one is there.

Red Daniel; Oh, yeah, real mature.

Red Daniel notices a small, brightly wrapped present lying on he ground.

Red Daniel; Who left this here?

Red Daniel picks up the present and checks he tag on it.

Red Daniel; For me? Oh, they shouldn't have!

Red Daniel squints at the tag some more.

Red Daniel; They left the "From" space blank. What are they, my secret admirer or something? Also, can't say I like the wrapping paper much. Too much green, not enough red.

Red Daniel sit down and tears off the wrapping paper, revealing a hardback novel inside.

Red Daniel; Hmm. "The War of Vices and Virtues" by Severin Albert. Who the fuck is Severin Albert?

Red Daniel pulls out his phone.

Red Daniel; OK Google, who the fuck is Severin Albert?

Phone; Showing results for "Reverend Albert".

Red Daniel; Well that's not helpful...

Red Daniel sighs and opens the book.

Red Daniel; Don't have anything better to do, I guess. Okay, chapter one, "The Birth of Chastity".

Pounce; Meow!

Pounce jumps into Red Daniel's lap and curls up.

Red Daniel; Oh, hey little guy. Care to join me?

Pounce; Meow!

Red Daniel; Okay, just try not to purr too much while your sitting there. Alright, then. "It was a clear day in June..."

Red Daniel continues reading for several chapters before dozing off. His slumber is suddenly interrupted shortly after midnight, and he jolts upright. Pounce is no longer in his lap, and the book lays off to his side. A tall, broad-shouldered figured, concealed beneath a cloak, crouches over him, its head almost touching the ceiling.

Red Daniel; Krampus! I knew you'd come for me someday!

The figures addresses Red Daniel, speaking in a low, scratchy growl.

Figure; Red Daniel! I am the Harbinger! The Prophet! The Divide! I stand before you tonight to tell you that a cruel fate is inevitable! The venomous serpent lies in plain sight, a crooked smile upon its face! You shall soon come to know true pain!

Red Daniel; Wait, what does any of that mean?

Without answering, the figure vanishes. The room grows quiet, and Pounce nervously crawls out from under the table.

Red Daniel; The fuck was that about?

Pounce; Meow!

Pounce jumps back into Red Daniel's lap, looking up at him. Red Daniel slowly scratches Pounce's ears, collecting his thoughts.

Red Daniel; True Pain, huh? Good thing I'm a Masochist...

Red Daniel leans his head back, breathing deeply.

Red Daniel; Still... What was that thing trying to warn me about? Was it even a warning, or... a threat?

Red Daniel remains seated for a while, before getting up.

Red Daniel; I need a drink...

The next day.

Acelegin; Yo! I'm back! How's the cat?

Red Daniel; Doin' fine. You enjoy your Christmas?

Acelegin; Been pretty good so far. You?

Red Daniel; Eh. Last night was pretty weird...

Acelegin; How so?

Red Daniel; OH, uh... Not sure if I wanna go into detail.

Acelegin; Alright, if it's you saying that, I don't think I wanna know the details.

Red Daniel; Right...

Acelegin; So where'd this book come from.

Red Daniel; What? Oh, right! That was a present for me, I guess.

Acelegin; Really? Who's it from? Someone from work?

Red Daniel; It was anonymous...

Acelegin; Ah, I see. What's it about?

Red Daniel; Pretty boring so far. There's this girl named Chastity living with her parents in an ambiguous time period. There's some subtly references to an upcoming conflict, but I haven't made it to the good shit yet.

Acelegin; Huh. So, any plans tonight?

Red Daniel; Dunno. Not on the schedule again til Wednesday, and I think I need a break from the book.

Acelegin; Well, tell ya what. My dad got me the Sega Genesis Classic Game Console. What do say we crack open a twelve pack or wo and fail horribly at some old school Sonic games.

Red Daniel grins.

Red Daniel; I'd like that.

Acelegin; Merry Christmas, Red.

Red Daniel; Merry Christmas, Ace.

Living With Red Daniel 1; The Job Hunt

Hey guys. Haven't been on this blog in a while. Wow. But I'm here now, because I had an idea for a new project. Just a goofy little thought that popped into my head.

5 years ago today, I killed off one of my most popular characters, Benjamin Malkator, by making him swallow an eldritch bomb and then throw himself off a building and explode. Because that's what my stories are like.

As homage to him, I'm now going to write about a completely different character. A character who has been a part of me for quite a while now. Ladies and Gentlemen and whatever other things you may or may not identify as, I present to you;

Living With Red Daniel

The scene opens in Acelegin's apartment.

Red Daniel; Ace! Ace! Listen, this is important!

Acelegin; (sips beer) Sup?

Red Daniel; I'm talking like, life or death, fate of the world important!

Acelegin; Go on...

Red Daniel; I need twenty dollars...

Acelegin takes a long, slow slurp of beer

Acelegin; No.

Red Daniel; But, fate of the world...

Acelegin; It's the 11th, correct?

Red Daniel; Um... Yes...

Acelegin; About time for you to renew your Crimson Queens subscription, yes?

Red Daniel; (stammering) Well... um.. that has nothing to do with... That's not why I'm...

Acelegin; I'm not giving you money for porn, Red.

Red Daniel; Then what will you give me money for!

Acelegin; I'm not giving you any more money, Red. If you want cash, go and earn it.

Red Daniel; But...

Acelegin; Get a job, Red.

Red Daniel; I had one, but those bastards fired me!

Acelegin; And why's that?

Red Daniel; (mumbling) Because the BS HR department...

Acelegin; What was that? I didn't quite catch that.

Red Daniel; Because apparently, leaning against the wall with my shirt unbuttoned and winking suggestively at coworkers counts as (airquotes) sexual harassment.(end airquotes)

Acelegin; Well, maybe avoid that from now on. But I mean it. You need to go earn your keep. You can't just keep freeloading here.

Red Daniel; Ugh, fine...

Later, at a gas station

Station Manager; Well, you seem to meet the qualifications. Welcome aboard, Mr. Ferris.

Red Daniel; Please, call me Red.

That night

Station Manager; Mr. Ferris! Did you drink all of these 12 packs of Keystone!?

Red Daniel; (slurring) You need to keep some fucking hiccup Coors in stock!

Station Manager; You're fired.

The next day, at a grocery store

Store Manager; Okay, Let's begin the interview.

Red Daniel; Sure thing, handsome!

Store Manager; All right, we'll begin with.. wait, what did you call me?

Red Daniel; N-nothing! I was just giving you a compliment.

Store Manager; Okay... Now then, have you had experience working in a grocery store before?

Red Daniel; Well, not personally, but a friend of mine worked as an after-hours clerk, and he told me pretty much everything I'd need to know and my god your eyes are pretty...

Store Manager; Okay, that's good, so- wait, what was that last part?

Red Daniel; It's just um... the lighting in here... Really brings out their color...

Store Manager; Um... moving on... what level of schooling do you have?

Red Daniel; Well, I was forced to drop out of High School due to some... unfortunate circumstances... But I've taken private lessons from some tutors so I have a pretty good grasp on most 12th grade level subjects...

Store Manager; Hmm... Okay...

Red Daniel; So are you seeing anyone right now, or...

Store Manager; Get out.

Even later, at a restaurant

Restaurant Manager; All right, Maggot! You've got tables out there that need service!

Red Daniel; This is a restaurant. Why are you speaking like a drill sergeant?

The Restaurant Manager thrusts a bunch of menus in Red Daniel's hands.

Restaurant Manager; You get out there and take their damn orders, Maggot!

Red Daniel; Okay, okay...

Red Daniel approaches a customer and offers her a menu.

Red Daniel; Hi there. Can I start you off with something to drink?

Customer; (angrily) What are you trying to say!? You think I'm an alcoholic or something!?

Red Daniel; Um, no, not at all! I could get you some soda if you'd pref-

Customer; Oh, so you think I'm a caffeine addict, is that it!?

Red Daniel; Well, we have water. Would that-

Customer; I demand to speak to your manager!

Later, in the Manager's office

Restaurant Manager; You've brought shame upon this establishment, Maggot! You turn in your apron right now!

Red Daniel; But you guys never gave me an apron...

Restaurant Manager; You're fired, Maggot!

Red Daniel; Damn it...

That night, at Sal's bar

Red Daniel; So yeah, that's what happened.

Sal; You really suck at holding down a job, don't you.

Red Daniel; Yeah. It's so stupid! And I still can't afford my stupid subscription...

Sal; Don't you have internet at Ace's place?

Red Daniel; Yeah, I can just look up whatever freaky shit I want, but there's just... something about the magazines. There so much more... physical... tangible... It's hard to explain...

Sal sighs

Sal; If it's that big a deal to you, then here...

Sal sets a magazine down in front of Red Daniel

Red Daniel; (gasps) Is this...

Sal; Crimson Queens. This is the latest issue, right?

Red Daniel; Yeah! But how did you...?

Sal; Found it in the bathrooms. Some of the pages are stuck together, though...

Red Daniel; Even better!

Sal; You are a deeply disturbing man...

Red Daniel; Still though... Ace won't be happy with my Job progress so far.

Red Daniel sighs, and gets up from his barstool

Red Daniel; I guess I'll just have to try again tomorrow. Thanks for listening, Sal.

Red Daniel turns and begins walking away

Sal; Hold on a second...

Red Daniel turns back to him

Red Daniel; What's up?

Sal tosses a mop to Red Daniel

Sal; That bathroom I mentioned earlier. It could use a good scrubbing.

Red Daniel's eyes light up

Red Daniel; Wait, does this mean...?

Sal; Don't make me regret this...

Red Daniel gives Sal an awkward salute, still holding the magazine and mop

Red Daniel; I'll make you proud, sir!

Sal; I highly doubt that...

To be continued

Probably...