5 years ago today, I killed off one of my most popular characters, Benjamin Malkator, by making him swallow an eldritch bomb and then throw himself off a building and explode. Because that's what my stories are like.
As homage to him, I'm now going to write about a completely different character. A character who has been a part of me for quite a while now. Ladies and Gentlemen and whatever other things you may or may not identify as, I present to you;
Living With Red Daniel
The scene opens in Acelegin's apartment.
Red Daniel; Ace! Ace! Listen, this is important!
Acelegin; (sips beer) Sup?
Red Daniel; I'm talking like, life or death, fate of the world important!
Acelegin; Go on...
Red Daniel; I need twenty dollars...
Acelegin takes a long, slow slurp of beer
Acelegin; No.
Red Daniel; But, fate of the world...
Acelegin; It's the 11th, correct?
Red Daniel; Um... Yes...
Acelegin; About time for you to renew your Crimson Queens subscription, yes?
Red Daniel; (stammering) Well... um.. that has nothing to do with... That's not why I'm...
Acelegin; I'm not giving you money for porn, Red.
Red Daniel; Then what will you give me money for!
Acelegin; I'm not giving you any more money, Red. If you want cash, go and earn it.
Red Daniel; But...
Acelegin; Get a job, Red.
Red Daniel; I had one, but those bastards fired me!
Acelegin; And why's that?
Red Daniel; (mumbling) Because the BS HR department...
Acelegin; What was that? I didn't quite catch that.
Red Daniel; Because apparently, leaning against the wall with my shirt unbuttoned and winking suggestively at coworkers counts as (airquotes) sexual harassment.(end airquotes)
Acelegin; Well, maybe avoid that from now on. But I mean it. You need to go earn your keep. You can't just keep freeloading here.
Red Daniel; Ugh, fine...
Later, at a gas station
Station Manager; Well, you seem to meet the qualifications. Welcome aboard, Mr. Ferris.
Red Daniel; Please, call me Red.
That night
Station Manager; Mr. Ferris! Did you drink all of these 12 packs of Keystone!?
Red Daniel; (slurring) You need to keep some fucking hiccup Coors in stock!
Station Manager; You're fired.
The next day, at a grocery store
Store Manager; Okay, Let's begin the interview.
Red Daniel; Sure thing, handsome!
Store Manager; All right, we'll begin with.. wait, what did you call me?
Red Daniel; N-nothing! I was just giving you a compliment.
Store Manager; Okay... Now then, have you had experience working in a grocery store before?
Red Daniel; Well, not personally, but a friend of mine worked as an after-hours clerk, and he told me pretty much everything I'd need to know and my god your eyes are pretty...
Store Manager; Okay, that's good, so- wait, what was that last part?
Red Daniel; It's just um... the lighting in here... Really brings out their color...
Store Manager; Um... moving on... what level of schooling do you have?
Red Daniel; Well, I was forced to drop out of High School due to some... unfortunate circumstances... But I've taken private lessons from some tutors so I have a pretty good grasp on most 12th grade level subjects...
Store Manager; Hmm... Okay...
Red Daniel; So are you seeing anyone right now, or...
Store Manager; Get out.
Even later, at a restaurant
Restaurant Manager; All right, Maggot! You've got tables out there that need service!
Red Daniel; This is a restaurant. Why are you speaking like a drill sergeant?
The Restaurant Manager thrusts a bunch of menus in Red Daniel's hands.
Restaurant Manager; You get out there and take their damn orders, Maggot!
Red Daniel; Okay, okay...
Red Daniel approaches a customer and offers her a menu.
Red Daniel; Hi there. Can I start you off with something to drink?
Customer; (angrily) What are you trying to say!? You think I'm an alcoholic or something!?
Red Daniel; Um, no, not at all! I could get you some soda if you'd pref-
Customer; Oh, so you think I'm a caffeine addict, is that it!?
Red Daniel; Well, we have water. Would that-
Customer; I demand to speak to your manager!
Later, in the Manager's office
Restaurant Manager; You've brought shame upon this establishment, Maggot! You turn in your apron right now!
Red Daniel; But you guys never gave me an apron...
Restaurant Manager; You're fired, Maggot!
Red Daniel; Damn it...
That night, at Sal's bar
Red Daniel; So yeah, that's what happened.
Sal; You really suck at holding down a job, don't you.
Red Daniel; Yeah. It's so stupid! And I still can't afford my stupid subscription...
Sal; Don't you have internet at Ace's place?
Red Daniel; Yeah, I can just look up whatever freaky shit I want, but there's just... something about the magazines. There so much more... physical... tangible... It's hard to explain...
Sal sighs
Sal; If it's that big a deal to you, then here...
Sal sets a magazine down in front of Red Daniel
Red Daniel; (gasps) Is this...
Sal; Crimson Queens. This is the latest issue, right?
Red Daniel; Yeah! But how did you...?
Sal; Found it in the bathrooms. Some of the pages are stuck together, though...
Red Daniel; Even better!
Sal; You are a deeply disturbing man...
Red Daniel; Still though... Ace won't be happy with my Job progress so far.
Red Daniel sighs, and gets up from his barstool
Red Daniel; I guess I'll just have to try again tomorrow. Thanks for listening, Sal.
Red Daniel turns and begins walking away
Sal; Hold on a second...
Red Daniel turns back to him
Red Daniel; What's up?
Sal tosses a mop to Red Daniel
Sal; That bathroom I mentioned earlier. It could use a good scrubbing.
Red Daniel's eyes light up
Red Daniel; Wait, does this mean...?
Sal; Don't make me regret this...
Red Daniel gives Sal an awkward salute, still holding the magazine and mop
Red Daniel; I'll make you proud, sir!
Sal; I highly doubt that...
To be continued
Probably...
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